The LAST PATROL review

DOLPH LUNDGREN SHERRI ALEXANDER
DIR. SHELDON LETTICHSCI-FI ACTION 1999

I have a confession to make. I am a bit of a Dolph Lundgren fan. Yes, it’s true. Now, normally I would make this confession without any shame, guilt or trepidation. I mean, this is Dolph we’re talking about; the big Swede. One of the 80’s Action Movies Old Guard. Into his fifties now, and he’s still pumping out the tough guy roles with more on screen power than any of the young bucks today. I had never come across a Lundgren flick I couldn’t get into...until I came across The Last Patrol, that is. And it’s this old ’99 piece that is the source of my mild shame.
The story of a cluster of survivors after an apocalyptic earthquake (scarily apt at the moment) is a sound one. The premise has extensive potential for engaging story telling and action, the hostile, ravaged Earth concept always proves popular, just look at the Book of Eli, Omega Man or Mad Max. But sadly, unused potential is basically worthless. TLP’s script is an abomination. Collapsed civilisation and lawlessness do not make for good comedy, yet the story far too often meanders off into poor attempts at light humour and absurdity. Thus we cannot take any aspect of the film with any semblance of seriousness. The dialogue is weak and as for the characters themselves...well, you would get more depth from using a thimble as a diving pool.
Lundgren, of course the lead here, is ‘renegade’ Army Captain Nick Preston, and he does have the screen presence and, dare I utter it; charisma, to hold his own amongst one of the worst collections of no name ‘actors’ assembled. In fact, the acting is so poor that Dolph starts to look like De Niro. Still, the scenes that call for any emotional resonance, however, fail dismally, again because of amateurish delivery and a music score that is more insipid than that apricot pastel paint you had on the bedroom walls of your flat in the late ‘80s.
The voice over narrative doesn’t work, the desert locations of Israel are wasted, the apple pie patriotic American ending is just too much and you simply cannot engage with anything happening on screen. There are some good points still, and it’s only these that garner this ‘effort’ its single star rating; Dolph looks the part when he belts the bad guys, you believe he can really hit like that, and how he seems to be totally unaffected when the shovel thrown at him just bounces off. But that’s it.
So don’t bother. Unless you simply have to watch something, and your set top box is dead, you’re snowed in, your other DVDs have been kidnapped by Jean Claude Van Damme and your ankles are broken, then and only then, could The Last Patrol be viewed as a last resort...
*

RAISE YOUR GLASS...

Originally published in Coastal Views magazine, SA May 2011

It’s in the water, but where’d it come from and why?
No, that’s not the lyrics to a new Kings of Leon song; it’s just a question that has recently entered my mind. I saw a documentary about the way our government has added fluoride to many of our water supplies and how many people appear to be having hypersensitive reactions to it. I had my researcher look into this issue and we discovered that there was quite a large portion of the populace whom are actually against this procedure of adding fluoride to the drinking water supply. According to one government of QLD document, the stated reason for the additive, and I paraphrase here, is that it provides a constant defence against some dental problems, particularly for people that eat a lot of sugar. Right. So blanket medicate everyone then.

Now, bear in mind there is pharmaceutical grade fluoride and there is the fluoride derivative that is scraped away from industrial waste. This latter variant is very cheap and easy to come by, of course, and simply has to go somewhere for dumping...

Now, before I go off on too far of a tangent, I just must state that I am not here to discuss the pros or cons of fluoride in water, no, what I am getting at is that people are not being given the choice to have it or not. The decisions are being made by others in positions of power, claiming it be for the good of all the subjects in the kingdom. Seemingly however, without regard to the possibility that some of these subjects may in fact be acquiring health problems from it, not benefit. That’s not to say that if one person gets sick, then it’s bad for all, no, no. I mean, many people are allergic to peanuts; they can go into anaphylactic shock and die if they come within a foot of Charlie Brown or Snoopy, but for most of us, we can wolf down a satay without breaking a sweat. Now, having used that as an analogy, you will note that products containing even a hint of a peanut must be clearly labelled, so that the consumer with the allergy can choose not to buy said product, but still allowing the unaffected people the option to add the peanut simmer sauce to their stir fry.
Did you notice how that worked? The affected people can choose not to have the product that is making them

unwell. They can choose and get on with their shopping like nothing has happened. So why not with fluoride in water? Must those suffering adverse reactions to the affected water supply avoid the water altogether? So, no drinking, no showering, no washing, no doing dishes? Yet I bet they get hit with a supply charge from the water utility company. No, the order is wrong. If people want fluoride in their water, then they can buy pharma grade fluoride capsules and tablets very easily, the government could even subsidise them if necessary. There are fluoride enhanced toothpastes on supermarket shelves. It’s not hard to come by. We don’t need a mass medication for all, as ordered by decree of the mighty elected powers that be. Hey, teacher, leave them kids alone.

And this brought me to another observation. We in SA, well, a lot of us it would seem, don’t actually like our tap water. Why do I say this? Well, have a look at how many of us buy bottled water, cartons of water, plastic containers of water and Pura Taps and other filtering devices en masse. We know there’s a multitude of toxins, metals, chlorines and other bugs and nasties in tap water, so we want to filter it first or drink spring water instead, because we believe it is doing us harm. We all seem to know this and consumer figures seem to back this up. We won’t drink it but we still shower in it. We still wash our dishes in it. We still bathe our kids in it. And we still pay utility companies to pipe it to us.
And relatively very few of us are complaining where it counts. We are becoming apathetic as we ‘progress’. We are becoming complacent and docile because this country has it so good compared to many other nations. We are the lucky country. But we are this place because people of generations past were not struck down by the highly contagious apathy. They battled on and fought for change and reform. They demanded things of their leaders. Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting we go all Tunisian or Libyan on our local representatives here, but it doesn’t hurt to send them civilised, well thought out emails or letters, or even phone calls raising the issues that affect you. Don’t be afraid to speak out and ask, nay; demand that our elected representatives actually represent us. But it’s all good and well for me to sit here and harp on about it. One voice can’t be heard alone. There need to be many voices, all saying the same thing, before something is heard.